Realization of Past Mistakes that you didn't even know happened

Can you really ever escape your past? That baggage you carry around with you. But then you realize what you thought about a relationship in your past and realize somebody was trying to tell you that they loved you more than anything... and just had no idea how to make you understand that. I feel terrible after learning something about a past relationship. Apart from my own shortcomings during a relationship with an ex, I learned that they felt a lot more strongly than I ever knew.

Maybe it was the result of the beginning of the relationship, a weakened foundation. Maybe it was my defenses coming up, the tall, tall wall that I constructed around my heart while he tore his defenses down. I suppose that fact is the initial unresolved issues were our doom in the end, other than my pride and stubbornness over an unfortunate event that happened that I hardly admitted happened, even to myself. I have a mess on my hands, a mess of my own emotions.

Understanding better what happened, all those events that were left out or misunderstood, I feel so lost. I had ended a relationship (or thought I ended it, because apparently a huge fight and a "I dread every time you call" then a "we're done" isn't ending a relationship) that I didn't even understand. I certainly didn't understand the depth of love for which he felt for me.

Even if I wanted to fix things between us, let the past be past because I know there are a lot of great things about us, I realize that the negative ideas that everybody else has about us wouldn't likely let us move forward. Even though the end of our relationship wasn't completely black and white and it may seem... I guess it never is, though is it? But I hurt a bit today... I guess sometimes I miss him. I doubt after what he thought I did he misses me much.

LSAT

So, since I don't want to do this Army thing anymore, I'm trying to study for the LSAT.

You might be wondering why I would possibly not want to be in the Army anymore. 

I met a guy a couple of days ago that is doing what I want to in reverse.  I thought I wanted to be an Army Officer often because most of the really respectable people I ever met.  He told me the same thing, that he wanted to be in the Army because of all the respectable people he's known that have been Army Officers.  Why do I want to get out?  Because all of those are pipe dreams.  And, consequently, all the dreams about the Army have gone down the toilet.  Maybe I'm just a shitty officer.  But that's not really the case.  I know I'm not stellar, but I know I'm not the worst either.  I recently realized how shitty my counterparts in other units are.  I guess it makes me feel better since I'm the most junior of the group except for a random 1LT that isn't in an actual position according to the unit on paper.  Eh, whatever.

One thing that is most annoying is that we're never recognized for our accomplishments as Officers.  You go to school for four years of college, and that means pretty much nothing even though less than 20% of Americans go to college.  And then you have certain higher NCOs that think that all other NCOs work for them and not the officers that are supposed to be managing and supervising.  For example, the 1SG/CDR relationship is F'd up.  Since when does a 1SG have more important ties to the CSM than to the CDR?  Crap, complete crap.  Completely undermines the idea of command in itself.  What do I have to look forward to when a CSM manages all the Soldiers in the battalion despite command prerogative?  What about command emphasis?  Aren't NCOs supposed to enforce stuff like that?  

And when's the last time in the history of F'd up units did the 1SG inspect a CPT's room?  Completely ridiculous.  You have a GS13 and a CPT in a room and a CSM thinks he has the right to inspect it?  And then, not only that, but saying that the standard is "the Army standard."  And then when I say that I didn't know the standard, he calls me a liar?  Awesome.  And then when I finally get my "re-inspection," he doesn't even bother to lock my door.  One of the SFC's said that the 1SG didn't even knock when he came into his room.  Too bad he wasn't wacking off or some other sick stuff.  And people wonder why we want to get out of the Army.  It's not the deployments.  It's not the time away from having family and friends.  It's the not treating us like we're more than in high school.  The drama that exists in all the units I've been in since I've been in has all been the same; the gossip, the rumors, the mismanagement of Soldiers' lives.   All four years of it.  I had more freedom in college.  Here, they made a rule that you can't have males in your room.  In college we were allowed to have males in our rooms.  And if it's because they're worried about us getting pregnant, even with the easy access to multiple forms of BC methods, then why let married people LIVE together?

I really hate not having a personal life.  When you are in the Army, you have no personal life.  You may have a social life, but nothing about your life is personal.  If you have medical issues, if you have mental health issues or anything else, broken leg, hemoptysis (coughing up blood, the only reason I know what that is is because a Solider in our unit had it), it will be displayed to the officers and senior NCOs of the unit during a biweekly meeting.  

I, of course, was particularly affected by this little detail about military life as I accidentally started a relationship with a married man, unbeknownst to me.  Once my unit found out about it, there was no support, no help, nothing.  I was completely outcast which then drove me to look for solace somewhere.... turned out to be back with the guy I shouldn't have been with.  If only had had the support of some of the people in my unit, I'm sure I would have never gone back to that loser.  Instead, I was not counseled or consoled, I was told to drop everything and never talk to him until I was told I was allowed.  What kind of idiot thinks that makes sense?  As I look back on the disaster that was my life two years ago, I don't know how people could be so understanding, so cold.  Maybe it was because they were married and knew better than me what havoc infidelity could cause in their lives if it happened to them.  I never wanted to do anything wrong.  I never wanted to be with a married man.  When he finally admitted to me that he was in fact married AND had a child, I pretty much spontaneously barfed.  

I want to move on to the next thing.  I think maybe the reserve component of the Army might work out well for me, but I certainly haven't been impressed with the active Army.  It's an exercise of mediocrity.  You can stay in and suck for as long as you want.  Nobody will kick you out if you suck.  They'll just pass you from unit to unit to get rid of you.

Afghanistan. 

So, the Army censors and doesn't let me on this.  If I wanted to write in my blog for the most part, I would have had to wait in a long ass line at the MWR where there are currently a total of like 8 computers.  

Stupid Army.

There are so many reasons they put forward for not allowing us to maintain contact easier with the rear.  Sometimes I hear that they are are trying to prevent us from telling things that would violate OPSEC (operational security, you know, what would prevent the bad guys from reading my blog).

But really, I get sick of all the censoring.  If it's not bad enough that we have to AFN (Armed Forces Network) cutting out basically all the even semi-sex parts about any movie or show.  I mean, if I wanted to live in a censored society, why would I not just go to China? Or maybe Iran?  Great places to live... yeah.  I liked the way they did it in Europe better.  I saw Show Girls on regular TV there.  There's a whole penis in that one!  Now, there's nothing to say that I want my kids to watch that sort of thing on TV, say I had some.  But that's where actual parenting comes in, and also, paying attention to what the hell your kids are watching.  It's called parenting.  Jesus.

But so here I am.  I got a hold of a civilian line so I could write in my blog and check the rest of the stuff that the Army blocks.  Not like I'm looking at porn or something.  I'm trying to keep in contact with home... with the friends from college that are doing great things, getting married, having babies.  Blah.

Depressing.  

Dumpy.

I'm feeling rather dumpy today. There are reasons for these feelings of mine, but I don't know. I guess everything is rather dull as well.

Something that I've been thinking about lately is that I really am annoyed at the Army. Maybe somehow it's all my fault... but really I feel as though my hands are tied.

The number one, most important reason why I wanted to be in the Army was to live overseas. This is what I wanted. I wanted to move back to Europe for a little while. Like three years or so. In fact, that's the only way I would stay in the Army in the first place. Even if I had to go straight to a unit that is deploying... at least I'd be coming home to somewhere cool like Germany or something. I really don't understand how after spending a tour in Kuwait that I got no choice on where I got stationed when I got back. In fact, my branch manager didn't even tell me I was to be posted at Drum... I found out by looking at my ORB and seeing my projected assignment.

Somebody please tell me how I can get to Germany. Somebody's got to need a SIGO.

Econ 101 and the D word

I just wanted to make sure got this little tidbit out there.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/09/17/news/economy/colvin_recession.fortune/index.htm




This article defines pretty much what I've been confused about. What the hell are they talking about? Remember this quote?

Obama called the fall of both Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch & Co. "the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression" of the 1930s.

Whoa! Holy crap... There isn't a single QUARTER of loss of Real GDP. What does that mean, oh, no recession maybe?

(http://www.gmanews.tv/story/120523/Obama-blasts-Republicans-on-economy)

Maybe if those wealthy A-holes had any sense of business ethics and weren't so worried about lining their pockets... This stuff doesn't happen over night people. If this was happening, it has been happening for a while now.

About recession/depression:

http://economics.about.com/cs/businesscycles/a/depressions.htm

People other than me have been talking about this as well.

http://sbvor.blogspot.com/2008/04/recession-of-2008-that-wasnt.html



The top article pretty much sums it up though. People believe that we're in a recession (even though we're not... and not depression note, and not even close) because of often media and pop-culture it seems like. And what pisses me off even more is that Obama is capitalizing on people's opinions, similar to how Bill Clinton won against G H Bush. Regardless if Clinton was capitalizing on (and spreading) ignorance, he still won the election, even if George was right.



My Dad once told me that his fav president was G H too... There must have been good reason for that. I mean my Dad was standing next to Regan when he said, "tear down this wall." He was also there for the infamous "I am a jelly doughnut like you" translation blunder. Oh wait... that was JFK. Oh well. I wonder if he was there for "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans." Anyway... I guess the moral of the story is that you say what people want to hear, not what is actually true.



Since I have ADHD, I figure I'd add this too on the tangent... Abe Lincoln's quote: "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" That guy did have quite the mug.



As for the presidential election, I really did get pissed off by the Great Depression remark. Granted, pretty much none of the people who would read this would have existed back then, or even parents would have existed, I think depression and the history we have learned about that black time in American history is scary stuff.

Bottom line: The problem lies with Congress. Why is everybody so obsessed with the President? The problem lies with that vacation-taking group called the Legislative branch. And I understand it. I don't know who my congressman/woman is. Hell, I don't even live in the state where I'm registered...