Sigh.

Taking a break from studying, I have started to wondering what the heck.  I really don't know what I'm going to do for  the rest of my life.  Tom has been talking about making out arrangement permanent, which I'm not against, but I don't know... Why am I always picturing my future without a man?   I guess it bothers me that I consistently think of a future sans man.  

LSAT

So, since I don't want to do this Army thing anymore, I'm trying to study for the LSAT.

You might be wondering why I would possibly not want to be in the Army anymore. 

I met a guy a couple of days ago that is doing what I want to in reverse.  I thought I wanted to be an Army Officer often because most of the really respectable people I ever met.  He told me the same thing, that he wanted to be in the Army because of all the respectable people he's known that have been Army Officers.  Why do I want to get out?  Because all of those are pipe dreams.  And, consequently, all the dreams about the Army have gone down the toilet.  Maybe I'm just a shitty officer.  But that's not really the case.  I know I'm not stellar, but I know I'm not the worst either.  I recently realized how shitty my counterparts in other units are.  I guess it makes me feel better since I'm the most junior of the group except for a random 1LT that isn't in an actual position according to the unit on paper.  Eh, whatever.

One thing that is most annoying is that we're never recognized for our accomplishments as Officers.  You go to school for four years of college, and that means pretty much nothing even though less than 20% of Americans go to college.  And then you have certain higher NCOs that think that all other NCOs work for them and not the officers that are supposed to be managing and supervising.  For example, the 1SG/CDR relationship is F'd up.  Since when does a 1SG have more important ties to the CSM than to the CDR?  Crap, complete crap.  Completely undermines the idea of command in itself.  What do I have to look forward to when a CSM manages all the Soldiers in the battalion despite command prerogative?  What about command emphasis?  Aren't NCOs supposed to enforce stuff like that?  

And when's the last time in the history of F'd up units did the 1SG inspect a CPT's room?  Completely ridiculous.  You have a GS13 and a CPT in a room and a CSM thinks he has the right to inspect it?  And then, not only that, but saying that the standard is "the Army standard."  And then when I say that I didn't know the standard, he calls me a liar?  Awesome.  And then when I finally get my "re-inspection," he doesn't even bother to lock my door.  One of the SFC's said that the 1SG didn't even knock when he came into his room.  Too bad he wasn't wacking off or some other sick stuff.  And people wonder why we want to get out of the Army.  It's not the deployments.  It's not the time away from having family and friends.  It's the not treating us like we're more than in high school.  The drama that exists in all the units I've been in since I've been in has all been the same; the gossip, the rumors, the mismanagement of Soldiers' lives.   All four years of it.  I had more freedom in college.  Here, they made a rule that you can't have males in your room.  In college we were allowed to have males in our rooms.  And if it's because they're worried about us getting pregnant, even with the easy access to multiple forms of BC methods, then why let married people LIVE together?

I really hate not having a personal life.  When you are in the Army, you have no personal life.  You may have a social life, but nothing about your life is personal.  If you have medical issues, if you have mental health issues or anything else, broken leg, hemoptysis (coughing up blood, the only reason I know what that is is because a Solider in our unit had it), it will be displayed to the officers and senior NCOs of the unit during a biweekly meeting.  

I, of course, was particularly affected by this little detail about military life as I accidentally started a relationship with a married man, unbeknownst to me.  Once my unit found out about it, there was no support, no help, nothing.  I was completely outcast which then drove me to look for solace somewhere.... turned out to be back with the guy I shouldn't have been with.  If only had had the support of some of the people in my unit, I'm sure I would have never gone back to that loser.  Instead, I was not counseled or consoled, I was told to drop everything and never talk to him until I was told I was allowed.  What kind of idiot thinks that makes sense?  As I look back on the disaster that was my life two years ago, I don't know how people could be so understanding, so cold.  Maybe it was because they were married and knew better than me what havoc infidelity could cause in their lives if it happened to them.  I never wanted to do anything wrong.  I never wanted to be with a married man.  When he finally admitted to me that he was in fact married AND had a child, I pretty much spontaneously barfed.  

I want to move on to the next thing.  I think maybe the reserve component of the Army might work out well for me, but I certainly haven't been impressed with the active Army.  It's an exercise of mediocrity.  You can stay in and suck for as long as you want.  Nobody will kick you out if you suck.  They'll just pass you from unit to unit to get rid of you.

I miss my dog.

Afghanistan could be a beautiful place.  The huge snow-capped mountains surrounding the Forward Operating Base we live on rival some of the most beautiful mountainous places in the world.  Now that it's finally defrosted, there are trees and green popping up everywhere.  What I don't understand is why that these people think the Taliban is a good idea.  Is it a good idea to be illiterate in your own language?  One of the NCOs here is teaching some of the Afghan National Army guys fire support, since we are after all an Field Artillery battalion, but is having an interesting time because more than half of the guys are illiterate.  When they tried to do the test, they realized that some of them couldn't write either.  As in, the ones that could read, couldn't write anyway.  Total out of the whole class, I think four of them could actually read and write.  I don't know how many were in the class but...  

One thing that has been driving me crazy is the dogs here.  My girl is staying with my Grandmother at this point and enjoying herself with her new found relatives, Topper and George, two dobermans, Admiral, a diabetic oversized King Charles, and Jasmine, a Welsh Spring Spaniel who is blind, deaf and demented.   But this country has a lot of innocent victims.  Here on this FOB, it tends to be the dogs.  Most are completely harmless.  There are puppies here too which have been exterminated like mice, or worse.  The medics had to put a whole litter of kittens to sleep.  While I understand the need for sanitation and the need to keep the FOB disease-free, most of the puppies that have been gunned down by the Soldiers were actually vaccinated.    I don't see the reason why these guys were acting like it was fun to kill dogs.  They're by no means vicious.  While sitting on the concrete slab that supports my room, a container made into a room for me to live in, one puppy named Samantha (my roommate named them), came up to me and sat next to me.  She tried multiple times to kiss me, right on the face.  When she finally settled next to me, she was leaning against me, nuzzling her face right on me.  I noticed her eyes were running a little more than they should, that her stomach seemed a little puckered, as if she was a typical puppy with puppy worms... Her face is young, brown eyes alert, and feet are big, telling the future of her likely course of growth, in the same direction of her rather large, lanky mother, Nala, whose life ended less than a week ago at the end of a rifle. 

 As much as I would love to take Sam home, I think of all the dogs that are at home in the States sitting in pounds, likely with no idea what will happen to them.  Their lives will end in a gas chamber chances are because that's how many dogs' lives end in the United States when they end up in Animal Control and they aren't either claimed or adopted.  This timeline is only about a week!  I remember reading somewhere in Georgia that the timeline was a week and then they were off to the gas chamber.  People that want to take dogs from here home likely aren't serious about having a dog in general anyway, especially if they don't have a dog at home.  

I am from the school of thought that thinks we should take care of the home front first, not quite to the point of isolationism, but...  Granted my dog was a gift, there is no way I would ever not adopt if I were to get a cat... I also was considering getting another dog from the SPCA.  But if you're going to get a dog, you don't sell it.  You don't give it away.  A dog or other pet is like a member of your family.  What kind of lesson does that teach kids?  Life gets hard, so you sell or give away what's on the bottom of the totem pole? And if you do get a dog from a shelter or anywhere else, unless its a show dog or other dog that is carefully and selectively bred, they should be spayed or neutered if for nothing but health reasons.  The diseases and cancers it prevents by getting dogs spayed or neutered and not only that, but it makes them less aggressive in the majority of cases because they're not so territorial.  I could rant all day about this, so I better stop.