Realization of Past Mistakes that you didn't even know happened

Can you really ever escape your past? That baggage you carry around with you. But then you realize what you thought about a relationship in your past and realize somebody was trying to tell you that they loved you more than anything... and just had no idea how to make you understand that. I feel terrible after learning something about a past relationship. Apart from my own shortcomings during a relationship with an ex, I learned that they felt a lot more strongly than I ever knew.

Maybe it was the result of the beginning of the relationship, a weakened foundation. Maybe it was my defenses coming up, the tall, tall wall that I constructed around my heart while he tore his defenses down. I suppose that fact is the initial unresolved issues were our doom in the end, other than my pride and stubbornness over an unfortunate event that happened that I hardly admitted happened, even to myself. I have a mess on my hands, a mess of my own emotions.

Understanding better what happened, all those events that were left out or misunderstood, I feel so lost. I had ended a relationship (or thought I ended it, because apparently a huge fight and a "I dread every time you call" then a "we're done" isn't ending a relationship) that I didn't even understand. I certainly didn't understand the depth of love for which he felt for me.

Even if I wanted to fix things between us, let the past be past because I know there are a lot of great things about us, I realize that the negative ideas that everybody else has about us wouldn't likely let us move forward. Even though the end of our relationship wasn't completely black and white and it may seem... I guess it never is, though is it? But I hurt a bit today... I guess sometimes I miss him. I doubt after what he thought I did he misses me much.